The Case Of The Murdered Nug
by Sianie
Summary: Poirer Kader, the funny little Warden Commander from Orlais has stumbled across something most serious indeed. Lay-sister Leliana, a visitor to Vigil's Keep, has had her beloved pet Schmooples murdered in a most grizzly and serious way...


They had gathered in the library to finally solve the mystery of the murdered nug, all curious as the next as to the reasons why the other was there.

Schmooples, beloved pet of the visiting Sister of the Chantry, was dead. Lay Sister Leliana had claimed she knew both Warden Oghren and the deceased Hero of Ferelden, both friends of hers at the time, and visited briefly to help. The poor woman was inconsolable, baffled why someone would murder her pet in cold blood.

It was an interesting circumstance, the discovering of the bodiless corpse. The head of the nug was left, cleanly severed, on the steps of the greeting room of Vigil's Keep, the gold-embroidered ribbon of the collar and bejewelled nametag still around the neck, untouched. The maid who has found it said she also had seen a ghost, and the rumours of a body-eating demon were currently ricocheting around the castle walls.

Most took it as a sign of something uneasy, wondering what would be next. Poirer Kader, current Commander of the Wardens of Ferelden knew exactly now the Schmooples was murdered, and waited until his audience were settled and sitting before he began to explain the how and the why.

He was stocky dwarf in tailored Orlesian clothes, subtle hints of gems and gold studded in the cut, a well-waxed moustache on his lip. Poirer wielded a long cane topped in silver that housed his duelling sword when he was out of his armour, always ready for anything.

"I think you know why I call you all here, non?" Poirer said, Orlesian accent visible.

"Yes and I'm as curious as the next person why!" Replied Varel, the Keep's seneschal. He narrowed his eyes at the smaller man, wondering how he had solved it so quickly.

"Will this take long?" Velanna said in a sneer. The mage stood ramrod straight, irritated at the situation. "It's only a pet."

Sister Leliana threw the elf a glare, eyes narrowing slightly. "I still want to know," she said, raising her head high, "who would do such a thing. And why."

"Then let us proceed, yes? I call to you all Hilda, the maid who discovered the, ah, head."

Velanna pinched her nose and groused. "It is only an animal."

"With its entire body missing, Velanna," Sigrun added. "That's kind of a mystery. And sort of creepy."

"It's an animal. That's what happens when other animal's get to them, isn't that right, Anders?" She said to the other mage.

"Hey! Ser Pounce never left my side last night, don't you start," Anders replied, petting the animal currently lounging on the chair next to him.

Nervously Hilda bobbed in a curtsey, wary of the mages. "Ser's," she said eyes downcast.

"Tell us what happened, Hilda, if you please," the Orlesian asked.

"I was climbing the stairs to give Warden Sigrun her food in her rooms. As I got to the top I saw a ghost in the hallway, and screamed and ran away."

"Please, continue madame," Leliana prompted as the maid fidgeted nervously instead of speaking. "You're helping a great deal."The maid sniffed loudly, placated slightly. "After I saw the ghost I ran back downstairs, and then I saw the ... thing. The head."

"Yes, we all heard your screams," added Varel. "Understandably so, of course." "_Ghost? _Really? No one is remarking on the ghost." Sigrun interrupted, curious at the conversation. "It's the nug you're all focusing on here.""Plenty of ghosts in the Vigil's Keep" Nathaniel murmured. "Trust me.""Oh please," Anders added, crossing his legs in a smirk.

"I know what I saw, honest I did!" Hilda said loudly. "It was a man, clear as day it was."

"And what did this man look like?" Poirer asked, a hand behind his back.

The maid back down slightly, patting her hair. "Well, I _say _man, more of a shape of one. It was made of light. Frightened me, it did."

"Ah, almost like magic, would you not say. Curious, _non_? We are in a room with not one but two mages."

Nathaniel looked curiously between Velanna and Anders. "What are you getting at, Commander?"

Hilda shuddered, nervous. "Mages are trouble, Cook says. They curdle milk and turn you into a mouse if you anger them."

Velanna snorted in disgust. "Oh, do try me, _shem_."

"Enough, Warden Velanna," Poirer warned. "Tell me again, Mademoiselle Hilda… What exactly was this, how you say, shape?"

Hilda frowned, trying not to look at the Dalish elf glaring at her. "I saw… It was like lightning. Looked like a man, it did."

"Ah, I see. Lightning. And where did you see this lightning?" Poirer urged, an eyebrow raised.

"On the top of the stairs, before I reached the corridor to Warden Sigrun's sleeping quarters."

Poirer made a little sound of agreement, a hand on his moustache. "Almost as if you were meant to be distracted, of course. As if someone didn't want you to reach Warden Sigrun's room. After all, the corridor is narrow and you would very easily see who would enter and exit, non?"

"Wait, what?" Sigrun said in a frown. "This is very confusing. It was just me in the room last night, no one entered and exited. Um."

Anders shifted in his chair slightly, leaning forward to watch Hilda curiously. "You sure it was a man?" he asked. "Because I've never heard of any lightning man. Trust me."

The Commander rounded on the mage, hand still behind his back. "Where were you last night, Warden Anders?"

Anders shrugged and leant back in the chair. "I was reading here, then went to bed. I didn't hear the scream."

Varel cleared his throat. "I can confirm he was in the library. He left just after supper was served, and I saw him head towards the sleeping quarters."

"See? No nug murdering going on here. Obviously. Or ghosts," the mage replied quickly.

"Ahh, but you see… While the seneschal here confirms is that you left just before Hilda screamed, giving you ample time to head to your destination."

"Oh for…" Anders started to say. "Are you actually serious?"

"It was you, Anders, who created lightning to distract the maid on the stairs! There was a faint smell of sulphur even this morning when I visited the scene of crime, which can only mean magic was used. And since Mademoiselle Velanna was with myself that night, it leaves you the only one capable of such matters! Why were you there, Poirer wonders? Why were you creeping along the hallways of the sleeping quarters…"

The mage's response was to laugh. "You're actually serious? You're pinning this one on me? I was no where near Sigrun's room, obviously. And anyway, why would I want to kill a weird pink wrinkled thing? Uh, no offence, Sister," he added hastily in Leliana's direction.

Leliana nodded her head, hands crossed over her legs. "I understand. But I'm still confused as to the why, Commander."

Poirer turned angrily on his heel, dark eyes sparking suddenly. "Was it not the fact that you were no where near the library as you say, during that very time of night as you told me earlier? The seneschal saw you leave as you said, putting you closer to the scene of the crime. Tell me, 'ow do you feed that cat of yours, hmm? A lot of meals on a nug."

The mage spluttered in shock. "That is completely unfounded! Ser Pounce-A-Lot doesn't even like nug, do you kitty?" Carefully he pulled the ginger tom from his napping spot, protectively holding him away from Poirer. "Fish and chicken are his favourites, of course."

"Then why did you lie to me?"

The mage shrugged and smiled. "Force of habit. What can I say, lying to authority it as easy as breathing."

The Orlesian Warden nodded once to him, not quite letting the man off the hook just yet. Instead he flitted his gaze to Sigrun, who was nervously running a hand over the edge of the bookcase. "Then you, Madame Sigrun? You have no alibi, of course. You were in your rooms, awaiting a delivery of food from the maid here."

The ex-legionnaire pulled at one of her pigtails, hands busy still. "I wouldn't kill a pet," she replied. "I used to have a nug myself, before my uncle killed it anyway. They're sweet in their own way."

"But you were, how you say, waiting, hmm? You told me you never left your bedroom that night, even though you heard the screams. Hilda was quite loud."

Sigrun looked briefly around the room and back to the Orlesian. "Well yes, I was sleeping. That's what you do in your bed. Right?"

"I can think of a few more things," added Anders in a grin.

"And that is the case," Poirer added. "The chambermaid told me that day she cleaned a meal laid out for two from your rooms, as well as two empty bottles of wine."

"It's true," Hilda added. "Was a right mess, too."

"That doesn't prove anything," Sigrun added quickly, blushing slightly. "I like food. Um. And wine."

"Ah, but not just food for _you_. Hilda was sent to specifically bring chicken and fish pieces to your room also, non? An odd request, considering your supper earlier. And who is here present that lives for such things, hmm? And stated so, just now."

Deliberately Poirer turned to Anders, who was stroking Ser Pounce nonchalantly. "Oh. Well," the mage said. "Sigrun might like them too, I mean, who doesn't? Fish and chicken are perfectly innocuous things for a dwarf to eat. Obvious-"

"Anders! For once in your life, shut up!" Sigrun said, still blushing. "Okay! Yes! Anfers was in my room last night. End of discussion, moving on."

"You both are, how we say, exploring young love. But you did not murder Schmooples, not even for cat food. Anders frightened Hilda with magic to distract her from entering the corridor, where he was about to go into your room."

Anders grinned and then rose, bowing slightly to Hilda. "Apologies for frightening you, dear lady. But Sigrun was most insistent on secrecy. Please forgive me."

Sigrun put her face to her palm and made a little noise of embarrassment. "Oh, _Stone."_

"Well, well," Nathaniel added slyly, watching Anders trying to placate a furiously mortified Sigrun. "No wonder you two have been awfully chatty recently, that explains a lot."

Leliana looked down, her eyes still sad. "Then who did kill Schmooples, Poirer? Ellie Cousland gave me him, you know. A sweet thing." Softly she spoke then, looking away. "Both of them were. She was a good friend, Ellie."

"My condolences, ma chere." Her fellow Orlesian turned on his heel, eyeing the archer suddenly. "Where were you at the night of the crime, Nathaniel Howe?"

With a sigh, Nathaniel answered. "On the roof of the Keep. I couldn't sleep, been dreaming odd things recently. The maid saw me," he said suddenly, remembering. "That's right! As I went downstairs, she can prove it, right? The one that Ander's decided to fling magic at, of course."

"I did not fling anything," Anders replied sulkily. "It was only a bit of spark."

"Ah, but you were not at all on the roof, non?" Poirer responded, ignoring the mage. "You were in fact creeping along the corridors also."

"No where near my rooms, I would like to mention," Sigrun added. "Before even more rumours start."

"My rooms were below, of course," Nathaniel added.

"But no where near the entrance to the roof. What were you doing in the sleeping quarters on that particular floor alone, Nathaniel?"

"How did you know?" Nathaniel said, slapping his hand against the rest of his armchair. Ser-Pounce-A-Lot startled at the noise and leapt of his master's lap, lurking in the shadows to hide. "I was… I was in my Mother's old bedroom." Shifting slightly in his seat he cleared his throat. "I didn't want to be accused of stealing, you see. This is my old home and… Well. I was looking for old things. Memories."

"Understandable," Poirer replied. "But your lying threw me off, you see."

The archer raised his head slightly, eyes defiant. "I would never… ah, murder a pet. Not knowingly, of course."

Poirer examined the silver tip of his walking cane and nodded. "Quite so. Though you too lied about your location of the night of the crime, I believe you did not murder Leliana's beloved Schmooples."

"Aaw, Pounce!" Anders muttered. Getting onto his hands and knees he knelt down to forage for his misplaced cat, worried suddenly. Velanna made a sound of disgust, finally having enough of spectacle she was enduring.

"This is foolish nonsense. All of it," she replied, rising quickly from her chair.

"Not so fast, mademoiselle, " Poirer said, voice suddenly steely. "While your alibi matches up and you were nowhere near the scene of the crime that night, both your hatred of the Sister and her pet are known here at the Keep."

"I did nothing," she said with a toss of her blonde hair. Pouting slightly, she adjusted the fold of her robe. "And the Sister can choke on her pet for all I care."

"It's Schmooples!" Leliana said, impassioned suddenly. "Not just _any _pet. That may not mean a thing to you, but it does me."

"Your hatred for humans is well known. I wonder if, perhaps, it would extend into aiding and abetting a murder of an innocent pet, just to make a point?"

"Oh don't be silly _durgeshen_," Velanna scowled. "Why would I waste so much effort on that?"

"Then that leaves only one person who would," Poirer stated solemnly. "I wonder, what drives a person to murder a nug?"

"I can think of, uh, several," Sigrun replied politely. "Most involve some kind of seasoning."

"Who, Poirer?" The Seneschal asked, gaze curious, wondering where this was going. "We're all here, who murdered Schmooples?"

Sigrun surveyed the room with a frown. "We're not all here," she said, thinking things through. "That only leaves… Oh," and the ex-legionnaire worked it out.

Poirer nodded approvingly at the shorter woman. "Quite so. And by my calculations, the murderer themselves will reveal his location, and soon!"

He looked to the door of the library expectantly. With a sigh, the Orlesian looked to Varel and tutted. "I knew they would be late."

"Who, Poirer?" Varel asked in reply.

With another sigh, the Commander sat down. "We might as well have tea while we wait."

"I'll get it," Hilda said, glad to leave the library.

The door opened finally and Oghren finally stumbled in, a greasy, wrapped paper package in his hands. "Oh," Leliana said sadly. "Of course."

"There you all are. Commander Fancypants ordered me here, dull looking party if you ask me. I could kill for some hot sauce," he said then, poking his package distantly. "What at are you dust-lickers all looking at?" As he opened the paper, the stench of grease and meat wafting in the room, a familiar smell to those born in Orzammar.

"Oh typical," Sigrun replied disgustedly, suspicions confirmed.

Finally Oghren realised that there was more then he thought in the library. "Leliana, that you? By the tits of my Ancestors, _Leliana!_ What you doing here, bard? Ain't you meant to be dusting that vase in the temple, or something? When did you show up?"

"Really," Poirer said triumphantly, latching onto the warrior's choice of words. "_Kill_ for some sauce, would you say? An interesting turn of phrase."

"Yeah, see I managed to score something I ain't seen in awhile and- oh," the warrior replied, finally working out what he was eating.

"I ask you, Oghren, where were you the night of Schmooples disappeared, his head carelessly left on the front door of the keep?"

The warrior shifted on his feet uneasily. "Look if it's any consolation Schmooples is absolutely delicious, even if he was a gamey old thing." Realisation hit Oghren again, finally placing a stray piece of information. "Huh, so that's what they guards were talking about with the murder, I thought I was drunk again."

Nathaniel politely hid a cough in his fist and Velanna gloated, a smirk on her face. "Practical, you dwarves," she replied. "It is the Dalish way to store food when you find it, of course. I approve."

"Oghren," Leliana said sadly. "Why? I came here to see you, you know."

"Well, think of it as a service! It was a mercy killing, him being so old and wrinkly. And delicious. It's the way Schmooples would've wanted to go… Plenty of eating on a nug, he's being useful."

"How could you!" Leliana finally rose from her seat, glaring down at the warrior. "He's not food. He never was. And he was the only thing I had that reminded me of the good things from my time with her, you know, _our_ friend. If you even remember that, considering your state of constant inebriation."

"I'm sorry?" Oghren tried to say in apology, greasy packet still in his hands. "I mean, I didn't know it was Schmooples."

Leliana left the library angrily, refusing to look back at them all. "I will take my leave now. I refuse to stay in the company of inconsiderate idiots. Why did I even bother with you, Oghren?"

Poirer rose, following her out. "I apologise mademoiselle for the, ah, situation you are in," he replied.

"Andraste forgive you all, for I cannot, not yet," and the ex-bard left him, head held high.

They sat in silence as Poirer sat back down in his chair, tapping his cane occasionally. "Well," Varel added. "That was most unexpected."

"Not really, not if you know Oghren," Nathaniel replied. "Perhaps you should apologise again, hmm?"

"Ugh, Oghren!" You're still eating it!" Anders shouted, finally disgusted by the warrior.

Oghren shrugged once then went back to eating his kebob nonchalantly. "What? It's a waste otherwise. What do you want me to do, throw up the remains and give it to her to put on a commemorative pyre?"

"You are quite disgusting, dwarf. If we've all quite finished, I'd rather be somewhere else." Velanna was the second to leave. "Why do I suffer you fools?"

"There's some left in the kitchens if you want it. The cook might be human but the woman can roast a damn fine nug," Oghren shouted at her rapidly departing back.

"Is it crispy on the outside?" Sigrun replied suddenly, then waved her hands at the thought. "No, wait. That's weird of me to say, yes. Not eating something that had a name. And Sister Leliana is clearly upset."

Poirer leant back smugly and twiddled his fine moustache. "I think you will find case closed, seneschal," he murmured to his friend. "You owe me a glass of that Antivan brandy you have been hoarding. Poirer knows, of course."

"Nicely done, Poirer!" He replied back, slapping the dwarf on the back. "I suppose we should all get back to the matter of killing darkspawn now, right? Right."

"Wait, wait, this doesn't explain why you played psycho and left the head of Schmooples on the front door step. Why?" Anders asked, screwing his face up in disgust at the warrior in question.

"I think the murderer in question is best to answer that, perhaps," the Commander replied.

Oghren spoke around a mouthful of food. "Best way to kill it, obviously. The critter was there and… I didn't know it was her Schmooples. At first I thought I was too drunk, but I wasn't going to let an opportunity like that pass me by."

"Go apologise to her. Properly," Nathaniel said again firmly.

"And say what exactly? Sorry for killing your nug, here's some flowers?" Anders added.

The door knocked briefly and the maid entered again.

"Ah! The tea, I assume?" Varel took to tray from Hilda before she bolted in fright, eyes wide at Anders still. "I'll play Mother."

"Ah, Varel," Poirer said nostalgically as his friend poured. "Did I ever tell you about the time I solved the Case Of The Disappearing Grave? I was in a small village outside of Val Royeaux at the time, and just happened to come across a sticky situation. A local chevalier was murdered in the very spot where a statue of Andraste once stood."

"Do go on," Varel replied, picking up his cup.

"The statue had just disappeared over night, the locals were quite frightened. But Poirer knew how, in the end. Of course…"

Silently, quietly, the Fereldians and dwarves in the room took one look each other and left the Orlesians to their crime en masse.

* * *

**Author's Note:** A srsbzn fanfiction, obviously. I may write more of these when I get time.


End file.
